They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself – Andy Warol
Change is the only constant. Something we have all heard at some point in our life. We can all agree that this is not new.But do we change too? How often can we admit to that?. I guess i can finally say that i now do.
For long, i lived in self denial. Victimizing myself of situations i mostly put myself in, good and bad. I did not want to give up on my beliefs since childhood, nor could i deny what was in front of me. As time passed, i felt i was no different than a crying baby, wanting what i wanted for no reason.Being blinded by my beliefs versus facts.
As time passed, i not only realized of situations changing, i also had to teach myself to change.
DIVORCE, a taboo from where i came from. A situation i never wished to consider, let alone live through. But ever since i began my relationship with my only boyfriend and now ex husband, all i would think of was to do my best to not let it lead to a divorce. In spite of our differences, we were in love and that’s what binds us together. Everything was NORMAL, or at least that’s what i kept telling myself each time there was a red flag.
Every couple have fights, every fight leads to exchange of statements not meant to be shared, ours was no different, its normal, a sorry can change things, a smile shouldn’t be ignored. But when does it get too much to handle to believe its not normal?, when must we believe to deserve more or admit to ourself that a line has been crossed. Do we even need to draw a line in marriage?. I kept reasoning with myself in every possible way i could except acknowledge the fact that we were just not right for each other.
Unlike most families from my background, i had parents who wanted me to let go to move ahead, wanted me to opt for a divorce to have a better life. So it was just me, a battle that i had to come to terms with in my head. Because, I did not want to change, i did not want to be called a divorcee ever. Why am still not quite sure.
But then, just when i least expected it, i was able to give in. It felt good, to break my own wall. The word was just a mental block i had in my head which i carried all these years of my life. i had ahead of it a life much more engaging for both myself and my mind. I could finally begin to treat myself better and achieve more. I changed, i learnt to deal with myself in a way that didn’t hurt me for what i thought others would judge me for.
I always reflect on the decisions i have made, doing things more to be liked, versus what i like. But now, the last few months have been a process of healing, from the loss of my father, getting a divorce, finding love, breaking the wall that mentally blocked my happiness and finally the pandemic that we are all currently dealing with.